Break Ups & Make Ups: 3 Things To Consider When Pondering Relationships

I think it’s safe to say your twenties is the prime time to date and fall in love. There’s nothing more exciting yet scary than getting to know someone and sharing experiences with them while inevitably letting your guard down and letting yourself fall in love. It’s easy to get over excited or over discouraged, but I’ve found it to be important to remind myself of what my love/life goals are and what will make me happy in the end.

| The Past |

Sometimes it’s easy, or second nature – to get stuck in the past. To reflect on every failed relationship and why it failed is often the first thought that comes to mind when thinking of previous lovers. Was it you? Was it them? Was it a combination of the two? Where did things go wrong? Is there a pattern of the same issues occurring in every relationship you are in? Are you constantly faced with new issues? 99.9% of the time, it’s a complete waste of energy to go over everything the previous person in your life did wrong or how they hurt you – or maybe how you hurt them because guess what? They are no longer in your life. If the relationship is truly over, it’s time to be selfish and work on you! When a relationship ends, after I take a day [or week(s)] off overindulging in chocolate, wine and trash TV, I force myself to positively reflect on my learning experiences by having an honest conversation with myself, something along the lines of:

-What could I have done better?

-What did I do right?

-Did I hurt the other person, and how can I avoid that in the future?

-What did they teach me about relationships that I didn’t know before?

-What kind of person do I want in the future now that I’ve learned more about what I like/don’t like?

Granted, let me just say I know it takes some time to get out of the emotional state of mind to be able to clearly think through some of these things. In those early weeks/months of going through a break up, I don’t see why anyone should not be allowed to be a little off their rocker [Lord hold us in your arms tight!]. More wine than normal is completely acceptable in my book. But ONCE you get through that initial stage of heart break, skip the loneliness stage by reflecting on yourself is a great first step to moving on.

| Present |

The present is all about focusing on what makes you happy. Many things have happened around me this year that have caused me to see things in a different perspective, one of them being life is short. How you react to what is thrown your way is all up to you. Attitude is everything. Love conquers all. Be grateful for everything. These are things I have to constantly remind myself Every. Damn. Day. But it’s important to remember.

I think the twenties should be ALL about living life to the fullest. It’s OUR time to be selfish, try new things, travel,  date multiple types of people, try new jobs, put ourselves out there and make mistakes. But to put it simply: LIVE. The great thing about being in our twenties is that we are expected to mess up. This is a hard reality to accept for someone who’s very type A and strives to be perfect at EVERYTHING, but there really isn’t that much pressure if you see it as a period of time in your life. What comes after this age entails more responsibility and more pressure to do the right thing. The older we get, the more we are expected to know what we’re doing and to set a positive example. I think its majorly important to take advantage of the time we have now to do what we want, learn while we can and have fun.

When I hit a low point in my life early last year, I started thinking long and hard about what I needed to do in order to turn things around. I was exhausted, angry and lost because I had tried and I had failed. I realized I needed to do something to change the way things were going and didn’t want to waste any time.

First I faced my fears by reflecting on all the hurt I had been holding inside for too long. Some of this hurt was held in since all the way back in my late childhood. I acknowledged my weaknesses (shelfing/running from pain) and searched for ways to improve. Suddenly, my anxiety attacks became less frequent and eventually disappeared. I started reading books on my two favorite topics: business and relationships. I tried different work out classes and started going to the gym or parks with different friends. I physically felt better and more functional and alive. I started pursuing my passions in singing and piano again. I went out and met new people. I did what I love most-made new friends. It took me almost six months to realize I needed to take control of my life, but once I did – I felt better than ever.

What I forced myself to realize is there are so many people who have it way worse than I do. I am not a perfect person, but what I can do now is work on my weaknesses every day, do the things I love and hopefully encourage others, including my friends, to join me. And what’s crazy is that was just one year of my life that I turned around and gave myself a little reality check. I still have the rest of my twenties to figure out what comes next!

| Future |

What now? What comes next? Keeping a positive mind set and being open to new experiences and people creates a great base for a happy future. I’ve noticed that whenever I focus more on what’s most important to me and the people I care about, everything falls into place the way it should. When I start wasting time thinking about or doing things that aren’t bringing positive results to my life, things don’t seem to go my way.

I’ve noticed sometimes people have an idea in their head of where they should be in life at certain stages. They need to get married by one age, have kids by the other age, have this job title or make this much money by this year. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have a plan and I set goals for my 5/10 year mark. But it can get complicated if you worry too much about the plan playing out EXACTLY how you wrote it. That’s just not how life works. Truly accepting that you can’t control everything will bring peace to your body, mind and soul. Leave it up to the big man upstairs, after all, He’s the only one in control.

The biggest takeaway here is your twenties should be for learning, growing, changing and living. The relationships and experiences along the way are meant to encourage growth within you. Some will last, some won’t. Focus on you and what brings happiness into your life and everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

Alright, done writing a diary post to myself. Night night!